This page contains my favorite quotes from the TV series episodes. If you happen to have a quote that I missed, please email me and I'll add it. **Still under construction**
Before it all started...
Liz - "I'm going out with Kyle. He's steady and loyal, and he appreciates me."
Maria - "Sounds like you're describing a poodle."
Liz - "Where are you from?"
Max points toward ceiling.
Liz - "Up north."
Max points higher.
Liz - "You're not an, an a-alien. I mean...are you?"
Max - "I prefer the term 'Not of this Earth'"
A Touching Moment...
Liz - "So when you healed me you risked all of this getting out, didn't you?"
Max - "Yeah."
Liz - "Why?"
Max - "It was you."
A Suspicious Substitute...
Maria - "Well think about it, OK? She takes attendence - what substitute teacher takes attendence? I mean, God the whole thing is so Roswellian! I'm telling you Liz, she's been sent here."
Liz - "Why would she be sent here?"
Maria - "To find the Czechoslovakians!"
Liz - "Sniff some cedar oil, Maria."
A Slight Glitch in Communication...
Isabel - "Are you insane!"
Michael - "I didn't just wander in, all right? I had a cover story."
Max - "And what was your cover story?"
Michael - "I was selling candies for charity. Peanut cluster?"
Max - "And they bought it?"
Michael - "No, they all seemed to be on a diet."
Isabel - "Not the candy, Einstein, the story."
Maria - "Going home?"
Isabel glances at spaceship on top of tow truck, then glares at Maria.
Maria - "Ahem..I mean, need a ride?"
A Bit of Confusion...
Valenti - "You were in that parking lot to meet whom?"
Maria - "Nothing, just headlights."
Valenti - "Was there someone waiting for you?"
Maria - "I don't know, I was unconscious."
Michael - "Ghandi feeling frustrated?"
Max - "Shut-up."
Michael - "Let me guess. You're in love with a girl, and she's with another guy."
Max - "You realize that you can be really annoying, right?"
Max - "...Please tell me this is important."
Michael - "It is. I dreamt it Max. I've seen it more clearly than I ever have."
Max - "What?"
Michael pulls out sketch.
Michael - "This. It's what I saw that night at Valenti's office. When I touched the key, that's what I saw."
Max - "You saw a semicircle?"
Michael - "No no no, I saw this Max. This."
Max - "And what is this?"
Michael - "I don't know yet. But I saw it - I didn't even remember it until tonight. I had to tell somebody."
Max - "And I appreciate that I'm the one you chose to wake at 3 in the morning to tell that you've been dreaming about semicircles..."
Art Teacher - "Mr. Guerin, to what do we owe this pleasure?"
Michael - "What pleasure?"
Teacher - "You, of course. I-I mean it's Thursday, and I don't think I recall seeing you since Monday, of last week."
Michael - "Yeah, I'm sorry about that. But I kinda just really wanna draw..."
Teacher - "You kinda just really wanna draw?"
Michael - "Yeah. I didn't when they first made me take this class, but now I do."
Maria - "You can't just make-up answers."
Michael - "Who says I'm making them up?"
Maria - "You do not watch the View."
Michael - "Keeps me in touch with my feminine side."
A Little Grand Theft Auto...
Maria - "You're stealing my car!"
Michael - "I'm borrowing your car. Now get out."
Maria - "You're telling me to get out - this is my car. Actually, this it's my mother's car, and if anything happens to it life as I know it will be over, so wherever it goes, I go."
Michael - "Fine, you had your chance."
Maria - "Oh my God, you're kidnapping me. No wait, you're abducting me!"
Isabel - "The perfect Liz Parker, lying to her mother?"
Liz - "Yeah, well at least she knows what species I am."
Maria - "Did you pull on the chokey thing?"
Michael - "Yes, I did pull on the chokey thing."
Maria - "...Come on, if there was ever a time to have secret powers, then now's the time."
Michael - "They're not secret powers."
Maria - "I don't care what you call them - just use them and get us out of here!"
Michael - "I'm not that good at it, all right!"
Maria - "Figures! Ha!"
Michael - "Your car sucks!"
Maria - "And so do you!"
Maria - "It's like the porno version of Aladdin."
A Bit of Angst...
Michael - "I'm telling you, this plan sucks the big one, all right? They're out there on my vision quest, and I'm sittin' here in the kitchen with two girls yakkin'."
Maria - "Interesting. Um, Michael you know some women of the 20th century might find that last remark just a tad bit offensive."
Michael - "Why?"
Maria - "Why?"
Isabel - "Welcome to Michael-land."
Ah, Young Love...
Michael - "You keep pouring sugar from one container to the other and then back again. Quit it, it's driving me insane!"
Maria - "I just - I wish you would say something!"
Michael - "Say what? What do you want me to say?"
Maria - "I don't know what. Just say something, you know, to make me feel calm, to make me feel like it's going to be all right."
Michael - "Maybe it's not going to be all right."
Maria - "Thanks, that helps a ton."
Michael - "What do you want me to do?!"
Maria - "I don't know!"
Michael - "Shut-up, then!"
Maria - "I hate you!"
Michael - "Ditto!"
Maria - "You know, all I ask of you is just to try to make me feel better. You know, be a guy, or whatever....Forget it. I have obviously been trying to bark up the wrong tree."
Michael kisses her.
Michael - "That was to calm you down."
Maria - "Thanks."
Maria - "Relax! God, you guys act like I've never tailed anyone before."
Maria puts car in reverse.
Isabel - "Well, he'll never notice us going backwards."
Maria - "This is the second time you have dragged me into some cheap motel."
Michael - "Yeah, well don't spread it around, you'll ruin my reputation."
When the Urge Arises...
Michael - "I just figured 'go for it', you know? I don't know what I was thinkin'"
Max - "Yeah, I just thought we had guidelines about this. We agreed to discuss before we acted on any, you know, urges."
Michael - "Well I hate to tell you this, Max, but when I have urges, you're not exactly the first person I think about."
Max & Liz are about to kiss in lab; teacher walks in.
Teacher - "Hey, Liz. How're you doing on your mating ritual?"
Liz - "I was doing just fine."
Max & Liz about to kiss again; Kyle & girlfriend pop up.
Kyle - "Hi. Enjoying the party?"
The Truth Is Finally Out...
Liz - "So um, how do you feel, you know, about what I said?"
Alex - "Well, part of me, uh, part of me feels like you've gone insane, and the other part of me feels like I want some of the massive doses of hallucinogens you've obviously been taking..."
The Moment We've All Been Waiting For...
Max - "I better go."
Liz - "Why?"
Max - "Because if I don't go right now things are gonna change."
Liz - "Change how?"
Max - "I'm gonna have to touch your hair, cause it's so soft. I'm gonna have to tell you that no matter what we go through, it's all worthwhile for me, because we're together."
Liz - "And then?"
Max - "And then, I'd have to do this."
He kisses her.
Someone forgot to take their Happy Pill...
Liz - "There are days when everything seems wrong; when little things just irk you for no good reason. And then there are days like today. When the world just sings to you, from the minute you open your eyes in the morning, 'til to you shut them again at night. Days when you actually enjoy cleaning the milkshake machine."
Maria - "God, this day sucks."
A vengeful plot...?
Liz - "Max likes cherry cola. What does Michael like?"
Maria - "Cherry cola with arsenic?"
Michael - "We kind of broke up."
Max - "What? Why didn't you tell me?"
Michael - "Well, I don't, I'm not sure if we did or didn't. I mean, it's confusing."
Liz - "Cherry cola, on the house."
Maria - "Yours is a dollar twenty-five."
Michael - "Guess it's not really confusing anymore, is it?"
After Some Chin-Scratching...
Alex - "Well, I've got two theories. One is that, uh, you and Liz have been brainwashed by a drug cult."
Maria - "Yes?"
Alex - "And the other is I'm trapped inside some extremely long, extremely weird nightmare."
Aha! So the truth is out...
Alex - "Why would you be sent here to begin with? I mean, what, what purpose could you possibly have?"
Isabel - "To wipe out the world, one annoying teenager at a time."
So You Had To Open Your Big Mouth...
Michael - "Doesn't look that bad."
Maria - "Yeah, I'm a regular Bob Vila."
Michael - "No, I'm serious. I mean, it's actually pretty good. Once you put it together, the shoes can go right there."
Maria - "Shoes? What do shoes have to do with this?"
Michael - "You're making a shoetree, right?"
Maria - "No. I'm making a napkin holder."
Michael - "Oh, well, I'm sure it'll be nice, once you put it together."
So Hard to Say...
Liz - "Um, excuse-me? Are you apologizing to me?"
Kyle - "I guess."
Liz - "Wow. I, you know, I wasn't aware that it was a part of your repertoire."
Kyle - "I didn't either!"
INTO THE WOODS
Liz - "Alex, um, your paranoid schitzophrenia is kicking in."
Alex - "Right. I'm going to go to the bathroom and go have a little talk with myself."
Maria - "...Lie if you have to. It's for your own good."
Dream Come True...
Coach - "Hey Valenti."
Kyle - "Hey coach."
Coach - "I understand we're going to be bunking together this trip."
Kyle - "Pinch me."
A Little Irony...
Max - "Save me! Save me! I'm a human trapped in an alien body."
Michael - "Max, you gotta be strong. You can't let yourself be led around by your...energy source."
What a Way to Ruin a Moment...
Michael - "Mud."
Maria - "What?"
Michael - "Mud. I'm thinking about mud."
Maria - "Why do I even try?"
(Maria, I'm Going to Kill You...)
Radio Announcer - "Hey, what's runnin' through your mind right now, Liz?"
Liz - "Oh, um, y-yeah, nothing I can say on live radio."
Let the Truth Be Known...
Max - "I've been hiding for years, Kyle. Years. But it's time the real Max comes out."
Kyle - "He wouldn't be gay by any chance, would he?"
A Little Time-Share...
Max - "We're gonna win her back."
Kyle - "We are?"
Max - "We're gonna show her how we feel about her, and she's gonna forget all about Mr.Shallow and come back to us."
Kyle - "Shellow."
Max - "Come on!"
Kyle - "Well, how do we split her up exactly? Every other week? Mondays? Wednesdays? Fridays? Alternate Saturdays?"
A Chance At--huwaack!...
RA - "What do you have to say for yourselves, men?"
Doug - "Thought she just wanted a normal date."
RA - "OK, go for it, Kyle."
Kyle - "Hey, I'm just happy to be nominated. And I think I'm gonna puke."
Couldn't find any the first time through
A Likely Explanation...
Max - "I hope this isn't my fault."
Liz - "Why would this be your fault?"
Max - "If I startled you."
Liz - "No. Uh, you know I always knock over strawberries this time of day. Always."
Is That a Fact...?
Liz - "What are you doing here Max?"
Max - "Well, I have orders from my planet to take over the Earth."
It Can't be That Good...
Alex - "So this was like the kiss of the millenium?"
Maria - "Alex, if they actually do it, she'll probably explode."
Alex - "Or maybe she'll explode if they don't do it."
Liz - "This is really horrible."
Max - "No, Liz, it's incredible, really."
Liz - "This is not incredible."
Max - "Wait, please listen. Please. The main thing is, I didn't just see what you saw, I felt what you felt whe you saw me. And I never thought anyone could really ever feel that way about me."
That's Being Subtle...
Max - "Uh, listen, Liz is on her way over."
Isabel - "OK, we'll leave."
Max - "You guys don't have to leave."
Michael - "Go for it, Maxwell, for the good of all mankind, you lucky undeserving dog."
Hey, It Could Happen...
Maria - "Look, Liz, the bottom line is that we don't know what this is about, all right? Female spiders can, you know, bite off the male's heads after they mate - what if they need someone to mate with to get certain information, you know, and then blthph! You know?"
Liz - "What are..What are you trying to say? That Max is just going to bite my head off?"
Awww, How Sweet...
Liz - "OK, so what you're saying is that you saved me from a life of watching Kyle barf."
Max - "Liz Parker, I don't think that was ever going to be your destiny."
Liz - "No?"
Max - "No."
Liz - "Ok, fine. If you know so much, then tell me Max. What's my destiny?"
Max - "I only know the part I'm hoping for."
TESS, LIES AND VIDEOTAPE
A Lovely Speech...
Max - "Liz, about what Michael said before, about Tess. I just, I want you to know that I don't, I don't feel anything for her. I look at you, and I know you're the person I'm supposed to be with. I've always known it. What happened here that day, when you got shot, and how that brought us together - it's fate. Look at me. You're the one, Liz. The only one. I could never be with anyone else."
Maria - "Hi guys, what's up?"
Alex - "Hey."
Michael - "Nothing."
Maria - "What is that, like porn or something?"
(Checks herself out on video screen)
Maria - "Ooh, I'm not as flat as I thought I was."
Michael - "It's a wide-angle lens."
A Little Out of Character...
Isabel - "You can never have too much sunshine, don't ya think?"
A Witty Remark...
Michael - "I've been thinking."
Maria - "Oh, great. This usually involves me having to get my car towed."
A Bit of Apprehension...
Isabel - "Alex, I've been thinking."
Alex - "Oh, this can't be good."
Something Must Be Going Around...
Isabel - "Alex and I are together now."
Michael - "Maria and I are going steady."
Isabel - "Great."
Michael - "Great."
Maria - "Must be something in the water."
MAX TO THE MAX
That Sarcasm Was Uncalled For...
Max - "We've gotta go to Valenti."
Michael - "And tell him what? There's two Max's - the good one's right here, please help us catch his evil twin."
THE WHITE ROOM
Michael - "Well give me a pointer! Gimme a hint, gimme something!"
Nasedo - "It's inside you. You're programmed."
Michael - "Hey, I didn't get the manual, OK?"
Another Touching Moment...
Liz - "I just wish that I could've stopped you from saving my life that day in the Crashdown."
Max - "Don't say that."
Liz - "Max, the day that you saved my life, your life just ended."
Max - "No, that's the day my life began."